Social skills difficulties are one of the hallmark signs of autism, but that doesn’t mean a child isn’t interested in connecting.
The way many individuals with autism naturally communicate doesn’t often line up with how the social world is structured. The pace is fast. Rules are unspoken. Signals are subtle. What some might dismiss as “disinterest” indicates a system that doesn’t allow for space for individuals with autism to express their connection with others.
Social Skills: The Obvious and the Overlooked
What do you think of when you hear the term “social skills?” Is it when our child says hello to their teacher at the grocery store or figures out what to say when a new friend is joining a game? Or when they are asked to introduce two new friends to each other at a birthday party?
Social skills include many other subtle elements we might not think about, like non-verbal cues, timing, reciprocity, and understanding nuanced or abstract social expectations. Individuals on the spectrum can often have difficulty with these less obvious parts of social communication.
How Autistic Brains Process Social Cues Differently
fMRI studies performed in the last decade show that brains with autism may process faces and social cues differently. They have also discovered differences in social motivation pathways; in some cases, children don’t find peer interaction inherently rewarding. The lack of motivation is often exacerbated by sensory sensitivities, which can make social settings overwhelming.
Delayed processing can also have an effect. A child might want to respond to a friend on the playground but might need a few extra seconds to process what was said, interpret social cues, or decide what move to make next. Young children’s play can often move quickly, leaving the child who needs more time to process communicative cues quite literally in the dust, reducing the likelihood of further, successful attempts at social interaction in future opportunities.
Let’s clarify, though: this communicative difference does not always indicate a delay in intelligence or mental capacity. These differences can simply be a reflection of how the brain prioritizes and processes input.
Performance Instead of Connection
In the past, ABA and related branches of study have more traditionally focused on “normalizing” behavior, like forcing eye contact, rote memorization of greetings to others without context, and using rewards for compliance rather than connection.
These older approaches often overlook how children truly connect and communicate, and can lead to masking, or make it harder to see their real progress in social skill growth. Masking (when an individual has learned to suppress their natural instincts to “perform” what’s expected) has recently been shown to lead to anxiety, burnout, and other mental health-related traumas.
Eye contact is often misused as proof of social engagement, but it can be deeply uncomfortable or even painful for many of those on the spectrum. Forcing eye contact can often raise stress levels, interfering with the ability to process verbal and nonverbal communication, making it harder to connect. Often, you will find that a child can communicate or listen more deeply if they are walking, doodling, or engaging in a similar activity.
Emotional Support Must Come Before Language
Have you ever told your child to “use their words” when they are having a hard time communicating? The problem with this phrase is that it is often said when a child is upset or non-verbal in the moment because of overwhelm.
Many of those on the spectrum cannot access verbal language during moments of sensory or emotional overload. In these moments, it is important to provide space for co-regulation (helping your child regulate by staying grounded yourself) by modeling calm breathing or offering some visual options.
Even outside those stressful moments, language use can feel disconnected if it’s not rooted in emotional safety. This applies not just to spontaneous communication, but also to scripted speech.
Social Scripts Without Meaning
Practicing rote phrases like “Hi, my name is _____” without context can lead to hollow or robotic interactions. Instead of surface-level scripting, focus on in-the-moment shared joy, natural turn-taking, or things to say or do when feeling overwhelmed.
Better Ways to Support Social Growth
Evidence-based approaches with a foundation of respect and assent (honoring the child’s comfort level and allowing them to say yes or no) are the best way to encourage social skills in those who often find these skills harder to practice in typical environments. These can include:
Connection First
Relationship-based models like Floortime and DIR (Developmental, Individual-differences, Relationship-based) use child-led play that builds connections through shared interests and emotional cues. These models are easy for parents to implement and focus on co-regulation and trust. If your child is lining up animals, you could join in by gently narrating or copying their play, creating a connection without disturbing their process.
Social Reciprocity Through Shared Interests
Peer-mediated and interest-based social groups use shared interests through peers to build natural opportunities for children on the spectrum to practice conversational reciprocity in school or extracurricular settings. These can include therapist-led group discussions or activities like a Lego club, where children can naturally take turns sharing ideas in a comfortable and motivating setting.
Start with the Right Setting
Sometimes things really come down to what’s going on in the general environment. When the setting is calm, it encourages curiosity, growth, and high-quality communicative opportunities. Look for places that reduce noise, allow space for transitions, and provide solutions for unpredictability.
Planning for Social Success in Public Settings
Several businesses and family-friendly destinations offer sensory-friendly hours or days, and sometimes even offer sensory rooms for those who need a break. As a parent, be sure to pack a sensory kit whenever you are headed out in public: pack headphones, a fidget, and any necessary visual schedule cue cards.
Use Tech Tools with Intention
Many individuals on the spectrum are drawn to technology because it offers predictability, structure, and opportunities for independent learning. It can allow children on the spectrum to explore their interests at their own pace and on their own terms.
Studies in behavior have long shown that video modeling can be highly effective in providing information and feedback to that individual. There now exist AI-based or app tools developed for social rehearsal and building social skills.
Parenting Tips to Support Autism Social Development
Looking for easy ways to support your child’s social development? Try some of these strategies:
Watch your child’s cues. Are they withdrawing or just taking some time to focus? Pay attention to patterns (pacing, looking away, repeating phrases). Give extra time for processing. You may need to repeat yourself or slow down.
Follow their lead. If they script lines from cartoons, join in and gently work on expanding their communication. Repeat the line back to them, act it out, or add a twist or funny change.
Prep in advance. Rehearse events or planned public activities with role-play, visuals, or social stories. Be sure to go over transitions and surprises ahead of time that can cause stress, and the coping skills needed to work through them.
Use co-regulation. Co-regulation is just a fancy term for calming your child. Sit close with silent support and presence, model deep, calm breathing, and reduce demands or environmental distractions before trying again. Once calm returns, communication often does too.
Support friendships. Don’t push age-matched or same-class friendships if they’re not working. Focus on comfortable, shared-interest friendships to build real connections.
Build in recovery time. Everyone has a social energy bank. Every interaction we experience as humans uses that energy. Prevent emotional overload by offering breaks as needed during social events and giving your child time to recharge afterwards.
Looking Forward: Social Progress and Supporting Self-Advocacy
Medically based definitions of disability have long limited how we think about social development for individuals with disabilities (focusing on “deficits” rather than creating meaningful connections and opportunities). Rethinking how we define progress opens the door to a more empowering model where children build not just social skills, but agency.
We should be teaching our young learners with social skill difficulties to build their confidence, create meaningful connections, and instill tools of self-advocacy (saying no, asking for space, and the choice of who to interact with). A child might choose to ask for a break during group time or sit at the edge of a circle rather than in the middle. These are small yet meaningful ways they learn to manage their own comfort in social situations.
Social development is never linear. Individuals on the spectrum should not be pressured to conform to scripted norms that don’t always reflect genuine connection. Trust your child’s internal pace, learn to co-regulate with them, and lean into the value of patience and curiosity when your child is struggling. Sometimes the most meaningful social moments don’t look like we expect.
Social progress happens when connection feels safe. Let’s build from there.
लेखक
